Aneh nggak sih?

Coba deh, misalnya lo pernah diduain cowok nih. Trus apa pun alesannya, akhirnya lo putus sama cowok itu, tapi cowok itu lanjut sama selingkuhannya. Suatu hari, lo dapet kabar kalo akhirnya mereka putus. Apakah lo bakal ngerasa puas? Atau biasa aja, soalnya nggak ada hubungannya sama lo? Aneh nggak sih kalo gue yang ada di posisi itu, gue bakal ngerasa puas? Bukan karena gue pengen balikkan lagi atau gimana, gue puas karena ada pikiran begini di hati gue: 'Rasain lo!' Hahaha... Gue jahat yah? Apakah ini pertanda gue masih dendam?

Sekarang coba deh, misalnya kasus ini diperpanjang. Ternyata, meskipun mereka udah putus, mereka masih deket satu sama laen. Sedangkan lo sama mantan lo itu nggak deket sama sekali. Apa yang bakal lo rasain? Aneh nggak sih kalo gue yang ada di posisi itu, gue bakalan ngerasa sebel? Sekali lagi, bukan karena gue masih suka sama si cowok, gue sebel soalnya ada perasan gini di hati gue: 'Sampe sekarang gue masih kalah ya sama nih cewek.' Ember, gue emang orangnya kompetitif.

Mari kita lebih perpanjang lagi kasus ini. Sebenernya, saat itu bukan pertama kalinya cowok atau gebetan lo direbut sama cewek yang SAMA. Kira-kira, apa perasaan lo tentang cewek itu? Dengan keterangan yang terakhir ini, apakah bisa dimaklumi rasa ke-nggak-suka-an gue sama si cewek? Dengan karakteristik gue yang kompetitif, udah jelas dong gimana gue jadi ngerasa 'kalah berat' dari si cewek. Dulu, tiap cewek ini keliatan sama mata gue, gue langsung seperti denger alarm 'DANGER!!!' Tapi setelah udah ribuan hari nggak ketemu, waktu gue ngeliat lagi si cewek tersebut, ternyata kekeselan itu masih ada. Aneh nggak sih?

Seputar Menjadi Ibu

Dua bulan yang lalu, gue sama pacar mengunjungi sepasang temen untuk menengok anaknya yang baru lahir. Kebetulan gue kenal sama sang istri, sedangkan pacar gue kenal sama sang suami. Selama kita di sana, orang-orang ngobrolnya berkelompok. Mirip anak-anak jaman SD, ada grup cewek dan ada grup cowok. Di tengah-tengah arisan cewek-cewek ini, gue pun mengajukan pertanyaan yang udah jelas banget jawabannya namun selalu gue tanyakan pada cewek-cewek yang baru melahirkan.

Gue: "Melahirkan tuh sakit ya?"
Si istri: "Iya, banget! 12 jam gue di sono nggak keluar-keluar anaknya. Di tengah-tengah proses melahirkan gue hampir aja putus asa, gue udah nggak mau ngapa-ngapain lagi saking sakitnya mati-matian."

Horror gue bertambah. Semakin sering gue bertanya, semakin bertambah kengerian gue. Tapi nggak tau kenapa, gue tetep bertanya hal yang sama kepada semua orang yang baru melahirkan.

Pas di perjalanan pulang dari sana, gue pun bercerita soal percakapan tadi ke cowok gue.

Gue: "Tadi aku nanya si QE, dia bilang melahirkan sakit banget sampe dia hampir putus asa. Ih serem... Di masa depan kalo waktunya aku yang melahirkan gimana ya? Aku kan paling nggak tahan sakit."
Pacar: "Ah, kamu mah belom fit buat jadi seorang ibu."
Gue: "Maksud kamu apaan?!" *tersinggung*
Pacar: "Maksudnya, kamu tuh sekarang nggak suka makan, kurang tidur, kurang olah raga, sakit-sakitan lagi. Dengan badan lemah gitu, gimana kamu kuat melahirkan? Sekarang aja, kamu masih nggak bisa mencukupi kebutuhan gizi kamu sendiri, apalagi nanti kalo kamu hamil? Selama kamu hamil itu bakal ada satu ekstra tubuh di badan kamu. Kamu harus bisa mencukupi kebutuhan gizi dua-duanya. Makanya dari sekarang kamu harus ngebiasain diri untuk makan, tidur, dan olah raga berkecukupan, supaya kapan-kapan kalo kamu melahirkan, anak dan ibunya bisa sehat."
Gue: ".............."
Pacar: "Kamu tau nggak, begitu kamu punya anak, hidup kamu langsung set, fixed gitu."
Gue: "Maksudnya?"
Pacar: "Ya, jadinya semua diprioritaskan buat anak. Kamu nggak bisa tiba-tiba kepengen liburan trus besoknya langsung cabut keluar kota. Kamu nggak bisa nggak masak karena males. Kamu nggak bisa tidur 12 jam nggak peduli apa-apa karena ngantuk. Kamu juga nggak bisa nyuruh orang laen ngambil keputusan buat anak kamu karena kamu takut ambil resiko."
Gue: "....................................."

Setelah gue pikir-pikir, cowok gue bener juga sih. Bukan masalah fisik yang gue pikirin (ya itu juga sih, tapi bukan yang utama), melainkan mental gue. Ngurusin diri sendiri aja masih nggak becus, apalagi ngurusin orang laen. Ah tidakkk!!! Gimana kalo nanti gue punya anak? Anak gue mau jadi apa nantinya!? Apa gue bisa mendidik anak gue untuk menjadi orang yang 'baik/bener'? Itu pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang muncul di kepala gue, membuat gue menyadari betapa hebatnya orang tua gue udah berhasil mendidik semua anaknya menjadi orang yang 'bener' (Dedi, mami, makasih =D)

Semisal semua rencana berjalan dengan lancar, kira-kira 5 taon lagi gue bakalan menikah dan mungkin punya anak. Hmmm... Lima taon, kedengerannya waktu yang cukup lama. Tapi mengingat gimana gue baru masuk SMA, trus tau-tau udah lulus dan masuk kuliah, trus tau-tau udah lulus lagi dan sekarang kerja, mengingat semua itu berjalan cepet dalem waktu 7-8 taon, 5 taon adalah waktu yang cukup singkat. Jadi dari sekarang, gue harus mulai bekerja keras dalem mencapai tujuan gue 5 taon mendatang, yakni:

• Makan makanan bergizi secukupnya


• Tidur secukupnya kalo bisa 8 jam sehari


• Olahraga yang cukup sampe staminanya kuat


• Rajin bebersih apartemen maupun diri sendiri

Itu kata cowok gue sih. Kalo menurut gue, dalem waktu 5 taon gue harus bisa mencapai ini semua: xD

• Wisata ke Jepang


• Wisata ke DisneyWorld


• Nonton konser L'Arc~en~Ciel


• Nonton konser w-inds.


• Nyelesein semua RPG yang belom gue maenin

Melihat temen gue satu-satu pada married dan punya anak, apalagi gue sampe berdiskusi tentang punya anak segala, membuat gue merasa gue udah tua. Ah, tidak!!!

Unreachable Dreams

Sometimes there are some dreams that ordinary people won't be able to reach, no matter how hard you work at it. Miracles do happen, yes. But I would say the chance that they do is less than 0.001%.

Recently I have given up on some dreams as well, because I know I've been dreaming of the impossibles. It's painful though, wondering why the miracles didn't choose me, why some people are lucky and why it is not me. But then again, I have to face the reality.

It is sad, but sadness doesn't change the facts that life goes on whether you like it or not. So what I have to do is to keep moving forward and reach the possible ones...

5 reasons why I do blogging

Okay, here's a tag that I received from Silvia.

One. It started as a way to let all my friends back home know about what was going on in my life frequently, without having to tell each one of them repeatedly.

Two. But who triggered me to have a blog is my boyfriend (who was still someone that I liked at that time ^o^). I was a little bit shy to approach him directly, so I told him I had a blog and I updated it so often that he would know more about me. In other words, this blog was actually made to attract him!!! Hahahaha... Dear, sorry I keep this from you until now =P~~

Three. Since internet in Indonesia is so slow, not many friends back home read my blog. Instead, most readers are someone that I've never met before. It was fun though, I get more and more new friends =D

Four. Apparently, I'm not very good in expressing my thoughts by talking. However, I could let out all my honest thoughts, ideas, and emotions when I write it in this blog. I always try to be polite and not to offend anyone. But once in a while, there are just some people who misunderstand me, and once they accused me in a very cruel way. Although it still does hurt until now, they won't be able to stop my love for blogging.

Five. I also discovered that blogging can calm my nerves. I mean, there was one time that I was so nervous before an interview. I couldn't eat, I couldn't read, I just couldn't focus of anything. But after I let it out on a post, I became so calm. Also when I was disappointed on something, thanks to this blog, it always calm me down after I write about it in a post.

And so Silvia, I've done my homework, haven't I? =P I won't pass this to any specific names, coz I'm afraid it would cause too much trouble. I'm passing it to everyone who wants to do it. Have fun guys!

Study Abroad

I know I'm not a kid. And as a kid, I'm pretty sure I didn't ask to buy this and that a lot. Even though I asked, event though it was quite an expensive stuff, I never forced my parents to buy it. Once my parents said no, then I wouldn't ask anymore. When I live by myself now, and finance becomes my own problem, I even pay more attention to what I buy. Although a lot of times I want to buy some stuff, I can help myself to not think about it. I can limit myself to not spend so much. And so you could say I'm living in a low cost rate.

But then this time, it's a strong feeling. I really want it. It doesn't seem important for some people, and I also don't think it's extremely important to me. Maybe I would just waste my time and money, but all I could think of is the experience. I want the experience. I might not be able to adapt to the new environment easily, but I can admit I'm strongly drawn to go and study in other countries. Perhaps you could say right now I'm already studying abroad. Yes, I am, but I want more.

Though financially I might not be able to afford it, but what I regret and can't accept is the way people around me think about it. The way they think it's time and money wasting. The way they want me to graduate as fast as possible and as young as possible.

Maybe I'm just jealous over a friend, who has been studying abroad for more than 3 times in different countries; who has been to Japan, Latin America, North America, and so on and so forth. Maybe it's just a jealousy towards the way her family is rich enough to fund her to go anywhere; the way the people around her think that gaining experience is more important than a success in academic at such a young age; and the way everyone around her doesn't push her that far.

And now I think, what am I pushing myself very hard for? Why do I care to kill myself with 18 credits? And why am I concerned to get as best grades as possible? What for?

Again, maybe it's just a jealousy, or maybe it's how childish I am. But still, I'm disappointed with it.

diversity and morality

WARNING!!! The content below may not be suitable for some people. Therefore bear in mind that the purpose of this post is solely for expressing my personal thoughts and opinions, no more than that. I'm not responsible for any reactions or behaviors that resulted from this post. Comments are still acceptable as long as they are presented in appropriate ways.

I've always wondered why diversity exists in this world as if it is very useful. We have learned since we were little kids that diversity (hopefully) enriches our world and our lives. But, does it really work that way? Through my observations and my own experiences, I've learned that it works in the opposite way instead. A lot of conflicts and riots happen because of the diversity itself, especially the cultural and religious clashes. Diversity limits our movements and our relationships with other people.

As for my religion, I've never questioned its value before. I do believe in my religion even until now. But I find some disconnection between the two sides that have been taught and rooted inside of me. I've never tried to blend science and religion into one sense, as I know it won't ever work at all. Yet, a study about morality that usually agrees on religion also denies all of it. I know that I wasn't good on it, and I always thought it was a useless subject, but there are some things that have been embedded deep in my heart and in my mind. 12 years of studying PPKn, I remembered clearly the basic things such as "don't force a religion on someone." I'm pretty sure all of the Indonesians remember this too. However, that's just merely a theory, isn't it? Easier said than done. For instance some religions restrict people of having some benefits if they marry others of different religions. Even worse, some religions also forbid people to marry others of certain religions. Don't you feel it's wrong? Contradicting the theory, those 'rules' indirectly force people to have some certain religions. I also feel the urge from people around me to make my prospective partner believe in my religion, otherwise I ought to find and marry another guy of the same religion. To be honest, I'm pissed off. So what's the point of penetrating those morality doctrines in my early years then? Why don't you just say everything honestly straight from the very beginning?

I know that the world would be dull if there was always a unity in every living aspect. Still, our world is too diverse that it can't take it anymore. The vision of having one single religion, language, or even culture throughout the entire world seems so blissful to me, though I know it won't be the perfect condition too. At any rate, I just want a harmony around me, at least around people whom I love. Is it possible???

Again, this is only a thought that needs to be expressed. No offense to anyone. Peace!

hanya sebuah 'mimpi'?

Gue ini emang terlalu idealis ya? Kurang realistik kah gue?

Gue tau kemungkinan untuk berhasil kecil banget, mungkin cuma 1%. Tapi gue tetep pengen nyoba, karena 1% bisa berubah jadi 50% kan? 90%, atau bahkan 100%...

Emangnya usaha itu salah? Ga bolehkah mencoba sesuatu yang sulit? Apakah gue terlalu banyak bermimpi?

Suatu pemikiran

aku takut hari itu tiba
saat di mana hanya ada aku dan gelapnya malam
tanpa ada tawa matahari yang mewarnai hari
saat itu nampak begitu jauh
namun hanya dalam sekejap telah dekat

Gue lagi banyak pikiran, pusing. Makin gede urusan makin repot, masalah makin banyak. Dulu waktu gue masi kecil rasanya pengen banget cepet gede, kalo ultah senengnya bukan maen. Tapi entah sejak kapan, mungkin sejak kelas 2 SMP, gue ga suka sama yang namanya ultah, soalnya pertanda gue makin tua, dengan kata lain masalah tambah banyak. Apalagi sejak kelas 3 SMA, dikit banget yang inget ma ultah gue, makin ga suka lagi dah.

Pacaran. Kalo uda gede pacaran emang makin repot. Jaman-jaman SMP suka ya jadian, ga cocok putus. Ga jadi masalah mo beda cita-cita, beda hobi, beda prinsip, beda negara, beda agama, dan beda-beda lainnya. Tapi kalo uda gede, segala sesuatu uda mesti dipikirin dong, apalagi kalo uda menyangkut masa depan, karir atau cinta? Apalagi buat cewe, pasti akhirnya karir akan terbentur juga sama urusan berkeluarga. Karena ga mungkin dapetin dua-duanya setinggi-tingginya, pada akhirnya harus ngorbanin salah satu. Kalo emang mo karir setinggi langit maka ga bisa berkeluarga atau keluarga jadi kurang perhatian. Kalo mo ngurusin keluarga dengan baek maka ga bisa berkarir atau karirnya biasa-biasa aja, ga sampe mentok tinggi. Ga usah jauh-jauh urusan itu de, kalo bidang talentanya laen aja bisa jadi susah. Soalnya bidang yang satu bagusnya di daerah sini, bidang laennya bagusnya di daerah sana, akhirnya harus pisahan kan. Dan gue takut banget sama yang namanya jarak jauh, karena uda terbukti pacaran jarak jauh banyak yang gagal. Emang kata-kata bijak menyebutkan kalo uda jodoh pasti ada jalannya, kalo sampe harus pisah namanya bukan jodoh. Cuman tetep aja, pikiran gue ga sampe sebijak itu.

Idup sendiri. Banyak hal dan pelajaran yang gue dapet dari tinggal sendirian, apalagi jauh dari ortu, paling pol ortu cuma bisa kasi dukungan moral. Mo minta duit juga ga bisa sekejap langsung dapet, harus tunggu kirimannya dateng, bisa makan waktu sebulan kali. Lagian cari duit ga gampang, apalagi uang sekolah gue yang aujubile amit-amit mahalnya itu. Awal-awal dateng semua harga gue ukur dalem rupiah yoolohhhhhhh.... sengsara. Kk ma bokap gue bilang kalo gue terus-terusan ngitung dalem rupiah bisa-bisa ga makan. Setelah kerja dapet gaji wuiihhh seneng bener, apalagi pas gaji pertama. Walopun ga bisa dibilang banyak, tetep aja gaji pertama gitu lho. Abis itu ya lumayanlah, beli apa-apa ga seberapa mo nangis kaya dulu. Tapi baru-baru ini, liburan kan gue ga ada kerja. Trus bayar uang sekolah sama asrama pula. Beeeee.... sengsaranya kambuh lagi. Sekarang mo beli makanan ma minuman aja uda mulai sekarat lagi. Gue bener-bener butuh kerja!

Ga tau karena kita uda bertambah dewasa atau emang masalah cara idup di sini aja, yang gue rasain si ga pernah ada temen yang bisa cocokan gila-gilaan sedih-sedihan seneng-senengan bareng kaya di Indo dulu. Awal-awal rasanya sumpek banget, curhat gini dibilang gitu, curhat gitu dibilang gini, maksudnya mereka ga pernah bisa ngertiin gue gitu lho. Kerasanya apa-apa gue salah. Cuman makin lama gue makin biasa. Sekarang gue uda belajar, gue harus bisa urus diri gue sendiri, ga pake macem-macem *****-bengek dari orang laen. Toh percuma juga mereka ga ngerti apa yang gue mau. Seperti kata Bung Karno berdikari alias berdiri di atas kaki sendiri.

Sebuah Cerita di Tahun Baru

Mumpung lagi mo taun baru, gue mo share dikit ni satu pengalaman ke elo-elo pada. Jadi gini ceritanya.

Beberapa bulan yang lalu, gue lagi suka sama satu co. Cuman gue ga tau gimana perasaan dia ke gue. Kadang kok kayanya dia perhatian banget, kaya ngasi harapan gitu. Tapi ga jarang juga keliatannya dia ga ada perasaan apa-apa sama gue. Wah sengsara banget lho digantungin gitu, emangnya gue karet apa ditarik ulur. Kadang rasanya pengen banget nabok dia! Hehehehe....

Yah sebenernya si temen-temen gue di sini pada bilang dia itu kayanya suka ma gue, tapi karena dianya ga maju-maju, mereka semua nyaranin harusnya gue yang ambil langkah duluan. Cuman ya namanya orang lagi suka, kan mata hati dan pikiran jadi burem gitu. Hehehehe... Pokoknya jadi ga PD de, apalagi harga diri gue juga tinggi. Gue pikir harusnya co yang jalan dulu. Lagian kalo gue sampe ngomongin perasaan gue ke dia, trus ternyata dianya ga suka, mo ditaro di mana ni muka??? Gue juga takutnya dia ntar malah ngejauhin gue. Tapi lama-lama engga tahan juga si, akhirnya gue tetepin batas waktu, gue akan nyatain perasaan gue ke dia tanggal 31 Desember pukul 23.59. Nah lho? Hehehehhe.... Pokoknya pas taon baru kalo engga ada kemajuan apa-apa, gue akan nyerah.

Akhirnya si rencana itu batal, gue ga harus ngapa-ngapain ntar malem plus gue juga ga harus menyerah. Karena pada akhirnya suatu hari setengah jam sebelom tengah malam dia bilang kalo dia suka ma gue. Lalu hampir seminggu kemudian kita officially jadian de. Hehehehe....

Nah, sekarang di sini ni poin pentingnya. Tadi pas gue lagi cuci piring sendirian, tiba-tiba jadi keinget hal itu, tentang deadline yang gue tetepin. Gimana ya kalo seandainya dia ga ngomong apa-apa sampe sekarang? Apa nasibnya perasaan gue ini? Waktu netepin deadline, gue juga ga kepikiran kalo itu tu taon baru, kemungkinan besar dia pergi liburan, jadi ga bisa ketemu ataupun ga bisa chatting. Gue jadi kepikiran, seandainya sampe sekarang kita tetep temen gitu-gitu aja, dan keadaannya ya kaya sekarang ini. Dia pergi liburan ke luar kota, ditelpon ga ada, HP juga ga punya, trus gue nungguin di depan kompie seharian dengan harapan dia akan online sebentar aja, tapi itu ga akan mungkin sebab dia lagi ada pesta hitungan mundur taon baru bareng temen-temennya. Trus mungkin pada taon baru ini gue akan kecewa, atau mungkin nangis, karena itu tandanya gue harus mundur, karena gue berpikir ga ada harapan, dan gue udah pasti akan menyerah. Kemungkinan besarnya lagi, gue akan punya penyesalan di masa mendatang, karena gue akan terus bertanya-tanya apa ya yang akan terjadi seandainya gue nyatain perasaan ke dia dari dulu-dulu? Seandainya gue ga ngulur-ngulur waktu untuk bilang, apa ada kemungkinan kita bisa jadian? Lebih parahnya lagi pada saat dia lulus dan ketauanlah kalo dia juga sebenernya suka ma gue, tapi kita ga bisa jadi karena udah waktunya buat dia untuk pergi, gue pasti akan MENYESAL sebesar-besarnya karena gue uda ngelepasin suatu kesempatan langka. Dan pasti akan ada seribu seandainya-seandainya yang lain...

Nah, pesen yang mo gue sampein si gini. Kalo sekarang elo lagi mendem perasaan yang dalam ke seseorang, apalagi kalo uda lama banget, ada baiknya jangan menunggu, tapi kasi tau ke orang itu. Soalnya, siapa yang tau kalo ternyata besoknya elo berdua harus pisahan, ga bisa ketemu lagi gitu. Sapa tau dia juga suka ma elo? Kalo ga ada yang nyoba memulai, gimana bisa tau akhirnya gimana? Kalo emang berhasil sama-sama suka, ya baguslah. Kalo ternyata dianya ga punya perasaan yang sama kaya elo, kan bisa tetep jadi temen, trus malah bagus kan jadinya engga gantung. Elonya juga jadi bisa nyari yang laen =P walopun mungkin susah untuk ngelupain dia. Lalu, kalo dianya malah jadi ngejauhin elo? Ketauanlah kalo dia bukan tipe temen yang bae, apalagi cocok jadi pacar lo, soalnya digituin aja udah menjauh. Pokoknya intinya, jangan sampe ada penyesalan.

OK, itu aja deh kisah klasik di taon baru. Hehehehe... Semoga taon baruannya menyenangkan! GBU!

Why Are Human Beings Never Satisfied?

Do you realize that human beings never feel satisfied? After getting what they want, they will ask for more. As for myself, being a perfectionist, I never feel satisfied either. Well, not never, but very rare.

When I was a child, I wanted to wear glasses to give me an intellectual impression. Now, if I could, I'd rather not wear my glasses. Also when I was a child, I wanted to be older, so I could do everything that I wanted. Now, I have a lot lot lot of problems. If I could, I would rather be a little child forever, coz I wouldn't have to think about my problems. All I had to do are playing, eating, and sleeping. When I was still in Indonesia, I really dreamt of studying abroad. Now, I want to go home.

There are still so many examples that I can't write them all. The conclusion is I, so do all human beings, never feel satisfied with all that we get. We never know why, maybe this is the basic characteristic of human beings. I wonder when we will stop asking for something...